I used to get frustrated with the fact that people that I knew who were Christians were not openly and willingly discussing their faith and their walk with God. I wondered, “How can they not talk about it?” and I concluded that “They must not be where they need to be or they would talk about it.”. I look back on my conclusion and I realize that is just one of many reasons. What if instead, they did not speak because they were afraid that other Christians would not affirm them? What if they had experienced silence or condemnation when they had spoken before?
Tonight, I finished up writing in a “journal” of sorts in my Ipod. I was writing a very strong paragraph about who I am in Christ and even though that paragraph contained very strong affirmations of who God says I am, I am reluctant to show it to anyone at all.
My reluctance is not because any of it is wrong, but it is because I am afraid of what people will think. Maybe they will think nothing of it now, but when I’m hurting and disillusioned then maybe they will look back on what I just wrote and they will assume I’ll figure that out again. Maybe they will assume I was wrong in the first place. Or maybe as they read it, they will think of improvements that could be made. Maybe they will say my portrayal of who I am in Christ is not completely accurate. “Where is this part in Scripture?” They might ask?
So for now, my faith is my own. Its so personal and so private. Not that I do not want to share my faith, but because I want to grow stronger in my faith. I want to have confidence in who my Savior is so that I can believe HIM and not “them”. So I can run to His Words that never fail when I read into their silence. I’m training myself to listen to His voice so that when the thief comes, I know to listen for the Shepherd.
Lord, I’m listening for Your voice. I need only Your Words. I want only Your Words until I know that I am trusting You completely. Keep my eyes turned and locked on You. May I be lost in the seconds that pass as I kneel at Your Feet before You say to me “Go, and sin no more.” Lord, meet the desperate needs of my heart for You know those needs better than I myself.
Your Beloved Daughter,