I look at so many different people in my life, especially the women (peers and older women), and I just wonder how they have it all together. Being close to them doesn’t seem to change my perspective either. I guess I look through rose colored glasses at their lives, their abilities and even just them and I think, if I could only be like that. I just want my life to be like that because they sure seem to be enjoying it!
That’s the key too. Its the people that I see enjoying their lives that I want to be like. I want to enjoy my life. I want to love it. I want to have this zest for living. I want to always want to get back up again. I know there is circumstances, conversations, and deep feelings that I never get to see, so I know I’m not getting the whole picture of these people’s lives. But yet, I’m attracted to it. I am not sure that it is exactly envy because I don’t want their lives, I just want the attitudes that they have. But I guess it could be.
This envy tends to make me lose sight of my life and what I love. I get caught up trying to love the things that they love thinking that maybe that is what will help me to be happy. Maybe if the inside of my car looks like the inside of her car then I will enjoy being in my car and I will be happy when I get out! haha, ridiculous right? But I have actually done that.
So, I wonder, what if it is time for me to stand alone? What if it is time for me to do my own thing and to just pursue what I love? I’m not good at balancing relationships with enjoying things I love, though. Seems like I always like weirdish things that no one I know really wants to pursue. So, how do I pursue these dreams that almost no one seems to understand? Maybe the idea is to buy the ticket and when you get to the airport you find out that a lot of other passengers are flying on the same flight?
Well, I guess its time to buckle in and hang on for the ride!