So…I haven’t blogged for a while. I haven’t really had a reason to neglect the blog, just rather a lack of something that I felt like saying. I was in the middle of just living every day and getting through every day. The problem was that I was having a harder and harder time getting through everyday. My physical and emotional stamina has been wearing down rather quickly these days.
So today, I stopped. Its just the beginning of today, but right now I’m thinking that I am just going to neglect what supposedly “needs” to be done in order to allow my body and mind to heal.
There’s some Jars of Clay lyrics that say “I have no fear of drowning/its the breathing thats taking all this work”. Those words have been my heart cry on several different occasions. However, the season of life I am in requires me to not allow myself just to drown.
You see, as I enter into motherhood, I’m realizing that there is no escape from life. I can’t just quit the life I have and start over. As I have begun to build adult relationships the same thing is happening. I’m gaining responsibilities that keep me tied to the life that I’m living.
Motherhood is definitely the biggest thing that is helping me to grow up, though! As I think about wanting to just check out of life or run away, I realize the consequences that would have on my daughter Ayealyn. And no matter what happens, I want to give her at least the security of being there for her. I want her to grow up knowing that I love her. And for me, that means keeping on keeping on even when I don’t feel like it. It means swimming and treading water even when I’m so tired I just want to give up.
Being a good mother to Ayealyn does not mean that I have to cross the English channel in record time however! Sometimes it means I just have to let myself float. Today is one of those days that I’m just going to be floating. I woke up dreading an event in the day and so after some contemplation, I cancelled it. Which actually prompted me to cancel another thing I was going to do. So, all the sudden, instead of feeling like the waves are crashing around me and pushing me under, I’m starting to feel like I’m able to just enjoy being in the water. Granted, I’m still gasping for air a bit and there’s probably some water in my lungs, but now at least, I’m able to float.
For today, floating is an accomplishment!