You are probably the most faithful Reader of my blog because You read my heart and know what is going to be put out here in cyberspace. You know exactly what things I’m about to say and yet, Lord, I need to say them. I need You to know that I am wrestling with hurt, guilt and fear. I am wrestling with those things before You.
I’m learning to acknowledge Your sovereignty and accept Your omniscience, but Lord, sometimes I don’t want You to be sovereign! I like to think I just don’t want to trust You, but my trust in You changes nothing about Who You are. Whether I trust You or not, You still sit on the throne and You still reign.
Yet, Lord, I’m angry about that very concept. I see people hurt in ways that I can’t even imagine. I’ve hurt in ways I don’t even like to think about and You could have stopped it. YOU could have made it all better, and You did not.
I guess that is it. I am wrestling with the problem of pain.
I see my struggle in new light because I look at my post from a few days ago “So, I’m Thinking of You” and I am realizing that as I think of that person, I’m having to learn to let go. I already had to learn to let go of Luke in some ways. And, as I carry this child and am starting to feel the very beginnings of life, I realize that I will have to let go of this child too. How can I do that? How can I let go and just be fine with the fact that I know from personal experience that my child, my husband and my best friend may experience excruciating emotional or physical pain. Not only will they experience it, but YOU will have allowed it.
As I learn that I have to let go in order to be a good friend, I realize that You must do the same. But I don’t want You too! I want You to keep me from harm! I wanted You to keep me from hurting in the ways that I do! I wanted You to do things my way! I do not understand why my way wasn’t alright!
I imagine I sound like a petulant child, but You know what my heart is thinking anyways.
I told Tiffany tonight that it is not right to confuse a child and then scare a child. I said that if something bad is going to happen, then a child should understand why that bad thing had to happen.
But God, I DO NOT understand! And I’m NOT okay with that. I know people that would say I should just trust, but God, I want to find You in all this. I want to find out Who You are and why You allowed pain. No, I guess I won’t have all the answers, but I am going to keep searching.
I’m going to keep asking and I guess I’m going to have to keep hurting sometimes.
But Lord, I’m thankful for something. I’m thankful that even though You didn’t do things the way I would have expected or even if You don’t do things the way I expect, I’m thankful that You still do them.
I don’t understand why, but I do at least know that You still proved Your love to me and that I have to rest in.
God, I want to find You and I want to know Your heart. Please, don’t hide from me!