Dear sweet person I’m thinking of,
I’m thinking of you, again. I wonder if you are getting tired of my texts and tired of me “checking up on you”. I don’t think I’ll ever know because I’m starting to realize the things I want you to say most are the things you may never say.
As I watch you embark on the beginning of a journey that I’m already on, I’ve been much afraid and very worried. I had a thought today, though, that put me at ease in a much deeper way than ever before. When I was at the beginning of the same journey, I was so afraid. I went to the entrance and I would back away in fear. Sometimes I ran away in terror from what really was inevitable.
I started to realize that it took me so long to actually start my journey because I simply took longer to gather my courage. The thought that occurred to me today was that maybe, just maybe, you didn’t need as long because you weren’t as afraid as I was. It’s not that you are being careless or foolish, but really, that you are being courageous.
I’ve never been the one who could calm your fears. I’ve always wanted to be able to, and often I think my best efforts have failed. But, if I’m not mistaken, I would take the gamble and say that your beloved is able to do just that.
But those fears that I had at the beginning of my journey just a few short years ago, I’m realizing again in some ways. You see, my journey was a new relationship and one that I had never had before. My relationship with you is also unique and sometimes that scares me to death because I just don’t know what to expect.
As I watch you begin your new relationship, I’ve realized that there will be times that you will feel alone. Very alone.
I don’t want you to be alone because I never wanted to be alone and yet I was. So, for me to let you go and even give you the possibility of feeling something that I dread so much, is something that hurts me to think about.
I wonder, is this the love shared by Jonathon and David?
I would keep you from all harm and hurt, but I cannot, nor would it be wise. But to sit back and realize that you will soon be like me makes me realize that all the sudden, there will be parts of your life we cannot share. There will be things that you do not tell me. How do I know? Because there are things that I haven’t told you. Not because I don’t trust you with my secrets, but rather because they are someone else’s secrets.
I guess that is about all of my ramblings. Ramblings I imagine you will eventually hear in one form or another, but also that I doubt you will read. If you do happen upon it, know that this is simply my pitiful attempt to put my fears into words and to at the very least realize them and hopefully to somehow deal with them.
To the rest of my readers, I’m sorry if this post is vague and directed towards a single person. This is one of those therapeutic posts. When it comes down to it, I guess this kind of post is actually why I blog. I blog because sometimes, my heart is too full and I need to get some things out. I feel as though, now that I have written all that, I can rest in peace and even in comfort. My mind and heart are no longer plagued by the fears and thoughts that were weighing down on me.