The past week has been decently tough on me emotionally, and as I continue into the new week, I’m still feeling the “aftershocks” of the emotional earthquake I seemed to go through over the weekend.
I’m dealing with the reality of fears that I am putting names to and selfishness that I’ve been displaying. As I discover these new depths and pitfalls of my heart, I have to wonder “Why?”. Why do I think and feel this way? And how do I change it?
I am realizing that I’m not as honest as I would have like to think. At a certain point in a relationship, I don’t always want to share who I am with that person anymore. I want to continue the relationship, but I don’t want to go any deeper. I think the reason is that I’m afraid if the person finds out what is any deeper, then the relationship will be lost to me. Usually, this event occurs sometime soon after I figure out just how much I want said person in my life. Based on previous actions it seems that I will do anything to keep them, including make excuses and cover up what I’m really thinking.
As I look at my attitudes and actions, I realize how foolish they are in the light of the Cross. Jesus went to the Cross for me, fully knowing my heart to to its deepest levels. He saw all the darkness and selfishness that I want to hide from those I am close to. Yet, He still “endured the Cross, despising the shame”.
I went to a Tenth Avenue North concert on Sunday night and even though I was preoccupied with another situation, the constant message that they communicated was that Christ went to the Cross for ME and all the others in that room. Christ finished the work on the Cross and now I am free to be loved by Him. Nothing, absolutely nothing that I have done could ever satisfy my debt. Nothing I can ever do can ever deserve what He did. All that I can do is fully accept His love by knowing HIS love in the deepest depths of my soul. I can believe HIS Word when He says that He called me His Friend.
As I struggle with my issues in the areas of friendship and relationship, re-focusing on the Cross of Christ will help me. He bled and died to make me HIS friend.
These couple hymns (well, quotes from them) are blessing my heart right now! 🙂
“Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine” Fanny Crosby
“O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee.
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thy ocean’s depths its flow,
May richer, fuller be.
O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.”