Way back when, I used to blog because sometimes I just needed this little corner of the web to express the overflows of my heart. Lately, my blog hasn’t been about the overflows of my heart, but more of a planned expression of what is going on. The problem is as long as I can remember, I overflow. Sometimes quite frequently! 🙂 And, I really miss just writing everything out and putting it out there.
So, here goes nothing! 🙂
You know what? I love windows!!! Isn’t that rather random? But it is true, I have this really amazing emotional connection with windows. I mean, is there any better invention? Windows let you have the best of both worlds the light and warmth of the sun, but at the same time, they protect you from the outside world. Sure, people can see in, but thats only if you move the curtains. Windows give me choices and keep me protected but not as limited as a wall.
I guess, maybe, my blog is a window. You see, I have this little itsy bitsy space on the world wide web and I can put my thoughts out there and maybe someone will see them, but, its not guarunteed that someone will. In fact, my blog is more like me hanging a sign on my window. People can see if it they happen to pass by, but it is also pretty easy to miss.
Things of the heart seem to be like that for me. I may be dying for someone to know something, but at the same time, I feel like I want someone to work to find out what is going on in there. I just want it to be hard to get to in some ways. I guess I just want to feel special.
So…the little one inside of me has had his/her first successful attempt at helping Mommy to grow up! 🙂 haha. I mean, I know and am expecting the next few years to be kinda hard because I think I have a lot of growing up to do.
But anyways, back to what actually happened! 🙂 I was upset about something that is going on in my life and the ever reoccurring thought of how I could escape my life and just start over, or not start over, just give up. However, as I began to think of these things, I thought of this baby that is growing inside and even though I can’t honestly say I “feel” love for it, I do feel exceedingly responsible for his/her wellbeing. I realized that I cannot and would never want to abandon my baby and leave it alone without a mother. Suddenly, I realized that my selfish thoughts that I allowed myself to think over and over again in the course of my life are no longer possible.
I am welcoming this new responsibility. I know that my little one was/is as much God’s gift to me as Luke was. I am now shall we say, settled into my life. Whatever comes my way needs to be met with acceptance and hopefully (eventually) grace. From now on, there is not even a thought of escape, maybe retreat for some solitude, but never escape. From now on there is only battles to be fought and conquered.
Something tells me I definitely am going to be learning a LOT as I embark on this journey of motherhood.
I know this blog post is already kind of long, but I *still* have a full heart, its just not coming out in words that well. If I could play the piano or draw, then maybe it would come out, but even then, I just don’t know. I feel mostly like there is this boulder rumbling down the hill of my heart but I am at a loss as to how to stop it without getting completely run over.
Well…so long for now. Hope no one minds that I just “overflowed” 🙂