Dear Readers & Visitors,
I have been away from blog for so long. Actually, my blog is one of two tabs that I automatically pull up every time I open Google Chrome (which is an AMAZING internet browser!). But, I honestly just haven’t felt like writing. So much of this blog has been written when I was deeply struggling with some type of hurt or pain. The rest of it has usually been some type of thoughtful reflection on the happenings of my life. But, I’ve just been in a different sort of mode. My emotions are maturing (maybe? Hopefully! dare I say FINALLY?!?) and I haven’t been fighting them as much since May really. What a blessing that is as well. However, it has translated into much less writing. I guess I’m an emotional writer.
There is a new surge of emotion that I have been experiencing for the past month. It’s kinda funny how it all happened too. I went to the CHEO homeschool conference with my mom the last weekend in June. I watched as so many young mothers passed me in the halls. Many were carrying little tiny babies or holding toddlers in hand (sometimes both :)). I cried out in my heart, not even specifically to God, just brokenly said “Where’s mine?” It honestly wasn’t even the result of a complaining heart but rather one that was ready to break. I had been married almost a year at that point and I was very surprised that I was not a mom by that time. I was wondering if we would have to battle infertility. I shuddered at the possibility, but I was starting to accept I might have to learn more lessons before God would place a child in my arms. So my question was one of wondering. Wondering whether I was going to have to wait to hold my own child in my arms.
God has a knack for always hearing when I’m NOT talking to Him. Its not that I am avoiding Him, it just that sometimes I wonder things or wish for the impossible, but I do not ask for them. I just wonder in my heart. Those deep wonderings God always hears. He heard me say “Where’s mine?” and He said “if you were meant to have a baby right now, then you would be pregnant.” A sudden, supernatural peace and contentment washed over me. What a blessing to know that God knew what my heart was wondering, the heartbreak I was anticipating. And all along He knew the joy that awaited me.
Fast forward a few more weeks and I had the urge to take a pregnancy test. I read the directions did my best to follow them and then watched as two lines appeared. For this particular pregnancy test I knew that two lines meant positive. I was sooo excited as I watched. I couldn’t have wiped the grin off my face for anything! 🙂
What a blessing to know that God knew when my heart was wondering “where is my baby?” that even at that very moment He was (and still is) knitting together a life in my womb.
That is the big news for this post, but I want to explain the overriding emotions that I have been experiencing. I can’t even put my finger on any specific catalyst for the change, but my emotional outlook has been a lot different in the last few months. Mainly I have been content and even grateful. As I look at my life, most of the reflecting I have done has not included much gratitude. Instead I have focused on the “Whys” that I so often ask. I know that in at least one particular area I can see something of an answer to a “why” and that answer touches me down to my core. I wondered, why did I have to be hurt the way I was and why did I do the stupid thing I did? But it was like God removed the scales from eyes and allowed me to see how He has used it for good.
I look at my life and I point to the biggest mistake I have ever made and I realize that God took that situation in which I had sinned numerous times and He redeemed it. No longer can I sit in mourning looking back at my sin, but instead I can look forward and upward grateful to the omnipotent God who chose to love me with unconditional love, to pardon me with unfathomable mercy and to bless me on top of all that.
The biggest blessing that God has ever given me is definitely my husband Luke Ewing. So many others might come close, but what a gift God gave to me when He gave me Luke. As we look forward to our roles as parents I look at Luke and just marvel that I could be with such a wonderful man. He will be such a wonderful father, I can just see it.
Another blessing I have received is to follow the blog of the Beaver family. Two of the girls and I think one of the boys is involved with CollegePlus! and I know of them through the CP! forums. Their testimony through their blog has been a great blessing to me. I totally recommend that you check out their blog and follow them as they seek to honor God and provide one of the best pictures of the Gospel through adoption.
Anyways, I suppose that I should close for now. This momma-to-be definitely needs her rest :).
ps. I have applied for graduation through TESC and hope to be graduating officially in December of 2010 :).