What is one thing that you would never know you did without if you had never had it?
Life is such a mystery. The word conjures up so many interesting debates and so many deep questions. However, those are not really what I wanted to write about.
What I really wanted to write about is about my dreams for the future. I cannot lie, I live for the future. I am always planning, scheming about what to do next. I cannot fathom the idea of living only for this present moment.
However, tonight I am not planning, but rather just looking into the future. What do I see? I see myself walking down the isles of shoe heaven all alone. I was introduced to shoe heaven by a former friend and I wish that I saw us together walking down those isles trying on shoes, however, instead, I see myself alone. I go to find shoes for an outfit and instead of searching for the perfect pair, I quickly search for the ones that will look good and be semi-comfortable at the same time. I purchase my pair and I leave the store perfectly content with my purchase. I see myself having a lot on my plate and being a productive, valuable woman. That is my dream; what about the alternate reality that I see?
In the alternate reality, I see my friend walking with me. We spend hours in the store compared to the twenty minutes I spent alone. We laugh and smile whereas I merely walked with pursed lips in my other vision. I find the perfect pair of shoes and another pair that I did not really need, but decided I could not live without! She also buys and pair and we meander through the store to the checkout line. We checkout and celebrate our success at Steak & Shake’s happy hour. In the alternate reality I see myself as nothing. While I am enjoying life, I do not see myself doing what I could do for my family, my community and my world.
I am in a quandary. I feel like I want the best of both of those futures, but they seem incompatible. I do not know how to make them compatible, but maybe someday I will.
Course, as a child I never really felt that I had close friends. I had one best friend, but then I moved away and while we are facebook friends, there is not really a current relationship there, only memories, sweet memories. Every other relationship I have experienced seems to have turned sour. Sometimes my fault, sometimes theirs. I honestly am really afraid to develop friendships because it does not seem worth it. Friends seem like a waste of time because I have never found someone that loves to do the same things I do.
Now, that might be surprising because I am a married woman, but to me being married is about supporting my husband in what he wants to do, and putting my dreams aside for his. However, my dreams are not dead and I will be valuable contributor to the world I was born into. I am a privileged citizen of this world in so many ways and with privilege comes responsibility. Responsibility to enable others to experience the wondrous things I have experienced in my lifetime.
Anyways, I think I am just rambling, but I needed to get it out of my system. I feel like I could be so wrong with the conclusions I made. I know I am at least half-wrong, and eventually I hope to think correctly on the subject, but for now, I am too emotionally attached to the issue to see clearly.
Thats all for now folks!