I feel as though I am walking through a valley. Not really because of external circumstances, but rather what is happening inside of me. My moods have been so melancholy lately, my fears are ever present and my life looks so bleak. I often wonder if this is because I do not spend much time in the sun. I know that sounds completely silly, but given the invitation I would dance with the sun like I would dance with a long lost love. To bask in the warmth and the light and allow it to penetrate the very depths of my dying and shriveling soul.
For that is how I feel, dying and shriveled. Withering away without a last wish. Sometimes I think I do this to myself because I try to shut out the memories of situations that have angered me or saddened me. Sometimes it is because I do not want to confront my demons. Perhaps it is an issue of pride, after all, all great people went through bouts of depression and I want to be great… (I have heard of several people, such as Charles Spurgeon, William Cowper and others). Pride has a lot to do with it, actually because I think I would rather die inside than admit some of my pain, my sin and parts of my life. I honestly think that there are painful depths to my soul that I do not even know about, depths that have never been explored.
I can feel so dead though because I can’t feel the pain of others right now. I started working at a new store and this one very sweet outgoing woman was telling me how she had not been able to sleep the night before and she was just chatting about her story and I found out that she hadn’t been able to sleep because months ago she had had a miscarriage and her due date would have been tomorrow. Not only was she carrying that pain, but a couple of her cousins had been pregnant at the same time and they had the blessing of carrying to full term, but this lady didn’t. She couldn’t sleep because her cousin was in labor while she was at work. She told me all of this and I wanted to feel compassion for her or empathy, but I didn’t. Instead I felt like a monster. I wanted to cry for her but I couldn’t.
This for me, will be a season of loneliness. I long for retreat, for rest, for stillness as I continue on in the turmoil of my life. I know that this rest will come eventually, and I long for it with all my heart. This summer I want to spend time basking in the sun and just feeling everything that is going on inside of me.
You see, I am not completely dead inside yet, for it is exactly at these times in my life that I feel the depth of my soul. I drove home from work and I felt this longing to be with Luke. I honestly do not think I have felt that strong of a longing for him since before we were married. The intensity was so strong; it is the yearning that must wait as time passes until it finally receives fulfillment. A hope deferred which makes the heart sick, but when the desire is come is a tree of life.
As I trudge through this valley, what feels like the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me.