Lately, I’ve been doing very well in irritating people and upsetting them, as well as being irritated and getting upset.
These happenings tend to make me question my worth as a human being. I was thinking the other day what I would wish for if I was given one wish. At first, I thought that I would love to be invisible, but today I just felt like I would wish that I was never born. I’ve hurt people’s feelings lately and angered them. I know that I have done wrong in the process and I wish I could change it, but I can’t. :(. I sometimes wish I had never been born because if I hadn’t been, I never would have even been able to hurt them.
I feel as tho if I am causing pain to someone, no matter who, then suddenly that takes away from my worth as a human being. After all, we lock people up and even sentence people to death for hurting people, right? Why not me?
I know this sounds dismal, depressing and rather selfish, especially for Easter, but to me it seems kind of important.
You see, I know people who try to protect others from getting hurt by standing in the middle. I know these people are trying to do what is best for everyone, but in the end, I’ve been hurt by the process because I learned that hurting or inconveniencing someone is an abnormal part of life and should be avoided at all costs. Even if the person had hurt you, then you were to blame if you acted upon that hurt.
I am wondering, are those kind of relationships healthy? Is hurt actually that bad? Is sadness and pain and grief needed to avoided with a passion? Should we seek to be always happy and make sure those around us are happy? Why do we always consider hurt, pain and anger bad things?
Relating to my post a couple days ago about reality, it would seem that we should not look at those things as bad things. Of course they aren’t pleasant, but they are reality because we live in a fallen world. I cannot live my life without hurting most of the people I come in contact with. I won’t purpose to do it, but I am sinful and so likely to hurt, disappoint or offend. Why should I let this tendency affect my knowledge of my worth as a person? If I know that this tendency is reality in everyone, then why am I so worthless because of it?
This year, I feel like I have really discovered some reasons why the Right-to-Life movement is dear to my heart. I feel worthless so often, or at least, I have in the past. Often this feeling is based on a lie that I have believed about myself or about life or about God. I think that the Right to Life movement is important to me because I want to know that I have the right to live. I mean, if a baby or someone on life support can be guaranteed the right to live, then I can be guaranteed it as well! However, if their right to live is threatened, then my right to live is also threatened. If I become an inconvenience, will they kill me?
You see, I am not worthless. That’s the beauty of it. I mean, am I worthless because I have disappointed and hurt God? Even angered Him? No, I am not. I’m loved, forgiven and redeemed. I love the word redeemed because it contains the word deem which means to evaluate an objects worth. I might deem a pair of shoes worth $60, but another pair only worth $5. The prefix re- means again. So, redeem basically means to re-evaluate the worth of an object and to deem it worth buying back. What a concept! I can do nothing to make my redemption happen because the process isn’t based on me or who I am, but rather who God is. I need to be content in this knowledge that He looks at me as His creation that he knit together in my Mother’s womb.