A Journal Entry

 I wrote this entry in my journal on my computer tonight.

I wear pink crocs

(Actually, they are an off-brand called Veggies, but so what? They are still comfy)

I will have my car paid off next August

YAY!

I work at Taco Bell, and I don’t make that much

But I’ve still managed to save over $3000

I’ve earned definitely 18 College credits since August

Hopefully 24 if I passed English Comp 🙂

My mom and I don’t always get along

But we are trying.

Sometimes, I cry at work.

 

Today I did. I feel like such a loser when I do.

Ever heard people say business is business, or the world doesn’t care about how you feel.

Your job isn’t about finding yourself.

Well, I second all those sayings (to an extent…I have a lil heart)

Yet. I guess I cannot live with them or by them.

Something about all the stress of life builds up. Usually it explodes at work.

Then I get totally embarrassed because these alligator tears refuse to swim back where they came from.

I don’t know why it seems to happen at work. Especially lately. Its like as soon as I fail, I can’t get over it.

I think I have issues.

Okay, I know I have issues. But what issues?

Err. I get frustrated.

Why can’t life just be easy?

 

I think there is another side to this. But before I explain, another statement must be made.

 

I blog at http://www.melanieheather.wordpress.com

But I don’t blog because I have all the answers all the time. Sometimes I just have to wonder.

 

 

With that said, may I continue? (the beauty of internet, if you are reading my blog, you have already given me permission!)

 

Ted challenged our Sunday School Class to spend an hour a day with God this week. Ted asked if we thought that we could fit it into our schedules. At the time I was thinking, “unfortunately, yes, I can”. Now I am thinking, “wow, I’m glad I tried it!”

However, I know that Satan does not like when I spend time with God.

So, I wonder.

When I cry because I’ve failed, and when I hear voices whispering in my head that I am no good, that I always fail, that my life is never going to get better, I will always fail, I might as well stop living, that I should quit because I can’t do anything right, maybe those voices are coming from Satan.

At work, I was thinking all those things. I had the hardest time getting control of my thoughts. I looked like an idiot, but that battle is so hard for me to fight. Its like I don’t know how to fight it, and I feel helpless.

But like I said, sometimes, I blog not because I have the answers, but rather because I wonder. Could that be an accurate diagnosis?

Of course, there are other possible problems: a chemical imbalance in my head (aka, I could just be a messed up crazy person walking around trying to pretend to be normal when in reality I’ll be the next serial killer!) (or, not. LOL). Perhaps the fact that I have not been eating very well could contribute.

I really don’t know who to ask. Honestly, when I get like this my instinct is to shy away from people. I hate the idea of verbalizing any of these feelings. My spine tingles and shakes just writing all this out. 

Like I said, I do not have all the answers. However, my first conclusion sounds the most reasonable. No matter what Satan throws at me, I need to continue to cling to my God.

God has given me a powerful advocate and defense–the Holy Spirit. 1 John 4:4 says

“…greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.”

Satan may come to attack, but the Holy Spirit is bigger than Satan. The Holy Spirit can send Satan far away. God has the victory, and I am going to heaven when I die.

Next time I need to cry at work, I don’t know what I’ll do. I imagine this struggle will continue. We shall see. Pray that I remain strong. Pray that God keeps me close and that I want to stay close. In short, just PRAY! And remember, God is bigger than the bogie man!

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About Melanie

My Being Purpose Statement: As a part of Christ's Bride and as one of His precious treasures whom He redeemed with His precious blood, I purpose in my heart to love and adore Him with all of my heart, soul, and mind (Matthew 22:37). I want to be beautiful in the sight of my Saviour, Jesus Christ. I will therefore pursue holiness (1 Peter 1:16) that I might worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness (1 Chronicles 16:29, Psalms 96:9) and go and proclaim His love, sacrifice and salvation to others who have not heard that I may have the beautiful feet of them that bring glad tidings of good things (Isaiah 52:7, Romans 10:15). My Life Purpose Statement: I desire to serve my Redeemer and Savior Jesus Christ throughout my entire life by ministering to girls and women. I pray that I will be able to bring many girls and women to the Cross of Christ that they may find salvation from a loving and gracious Savior. It is my heart’s desire to encourage girls and women who know the Savior to deepen their relationship with Him and to fall more and more in love with Him. I also want to serve women by assisting them in their everyday lives whether I am rolling up my sleeves to work alongside them or am connecting them with people, ministries, and or resources that will be helpful and beneficial to them. By God’s grace and power, through His Spirit, and for His glory will I endeavor to fulfill this purpose
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2 Responses to A Journal Entry

  1. Elaine says:

    Sometimes it is hard to know what to do! The next time you are feeling overwhelmed–stop and pray! God wants to help you and He will. I will be praying that you stay close to the Lord and that you spend time in His Word daily. If you can’t make it an hour each day, don’t get discouraged. God doesn’t keep a log book of how much time you spend in prayer or reading the Bible. He looks beyond all that into the motives and intent of your heart.

    Press on!

  2. Tiffany says:

    “Your job isn’t about finding yourself?” That may be true, I don’t go to work to find myself, but it seems to happen anyway. Work is challenging, to be in such a stressed circumstance(the pace, the customers)…it’s bound to test you in ways you didn’t necissarily expect.
    “The World doesn’t care how you feel” I actually haven’t heard that before, but isn’t that part of the problem, that everyone is focussed on themselves and too busy to care(I know I’m way off the subject that you started, but those two quotes just jumped out at me and I had to share my thoughts. lol)

    I know I’ve already talked to you about this blog topic, but… I can’t speak for everyone, but those doubts that play over and over in your mind…”I’m not good enough, I’m not accomplished enough to overcome this, my life will never get better than this, I’m too small and too insignificant to do God’s work so why bother trying to live for him…” (those are some of mine) no matter how much you believe them at the time, they are just a device to keep you down, to make you weak. They are Satan’s lies, his way of turning you against yourself. What I’m just realizing is that those thoughts, those doubts, aren’t just demeaning me, but also God. He made me and thinks enough of me to have plans for me specifically…and what those thoughts are telling me, is that God put too much faith in me, that He’s wrong and I can’t fulfill His plans(which I can’t without him, but to doubt that even with Him I can’t do something, is a lie). The verse that comes to my mind is Philippans 4:13 “I can do ALL things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” It isn’t conditional, just like Christ’s love for us.

    Sorry I think I’ve just written in a circle. I guess my point was that I understand and have been there and that those thoughts are satan’s device, probably one of his most sucessful(Bc it’s so easy to doubt yourself), but you have to realize, that at the same time, your doubting God, bc He’s the one that created you.
    Ok, I’m done I promise.

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