I wrote this entry in my journal on my computer tonight.
I wear pink crocs
(Actually, they are an off-brand called Veggies, but so what? They are still comfy)
I will have my car paid off next August
I work at Taco Bell, and I don’t make that much
But I’ve still managed to save over $3000
I’ve earned definitely 18 College credits since August
Hopefully 24 if I passed English Comp 🙂
My mom and I don’t always get along
But we are trying.
Sometimes, I cry at work.
Today I did. I feel like such a loser when I do.
Ever heard people say business is business, or the world doesn’t care about how you feel.
Your job isn’t about finding yourself.
Well, I second all those sayings (to an extent…I have a lil heart)
Yet. I guess I cannot live with them or by them.
Something about all the stress of life builds up. Usually it explodes at work.
Then I get totally embarrassed because these alligator tears refuse to swim back where they came from.
I don’t know why it seems to happen at work. Especially lately. Its like as soon as I fail, I can’t get over it.
I think I have issues.
Okay, I know I have issues. But what issues?
Err. I get frustrated.
Why can’t life just be easy?
I think there is another side to this. But before I explain, another statement must be made.
I blog at http://www.melanieheather.wordpress.com
But I don’t blog because I have all the answers all the time. Sometimes I just have to wonder.
With that said, may I continue? (the beauty of internet, if you are reading my blog, you have already given me permission!)
Ted challenged our Sunday School Class to spend an hour a day with God this week. Ted asked if we thought that we could fit it into our schedules. At the time I was thinking, “unfortunately, yes, I can”. Now I am thinking, “wow, I’m glad I tried it!”
However, I know that Satan does not like when I spend time with God.
So, I wonder.
When I cry because I’ve failed, and when I hear voices whispering in my head that I am no good, that I always fail, that my life is never going to get better, I will always fail, I might as well stop living, that I should quit because I can’t do anything right, maybe those voices are coming from Satan.
At work, I was thinking all those things. I had the hardest time getting control of my thoughts. I looked like an idiot, but that battle is so hard for me to fight. Its like I don’t know how to fight it, and I feel helpless.
But like I said, sometimes, I blog not because I have the answers, but rather because I wonder. Could that be an accurate diagnosis?
Of course, there are other possible problems: a chemical imbalance in my head (aka, I could just be a messed up crazy person walking around trying to pretend to be normal when in reality I’ll be the next serial killer!) (or, not. LOL). Perhaps the fact that I have not been eating very well could contribute.
I really don’t know who to ask. Honestly, when I get like this my instinct is to shy away from people. I hate the idea of verbalizing any of these feelings. My spine tingles and shakes just writing all this out.
Like I said, I do not have all the answers. However, my first conclusion sounds the most reasonable. No matter what Satan throws at me, I need to continue to cling to my God.
God has given me a powerful advocate and defense–the Holy Spirit. 1 John 4:4 says
“…greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.”
Satan may come to attack, but the Holy Spirit is bigger than Satan. The Holy Spirit can send Satan far away. God has the victory, and I am going to heaven when I die.
Next time I need to cry at work, I don’t know what I’ll do. I imagine this struggle will continue. We shall see. Pray that I remain strong. Pray that God keeps me close and that I want to stay close. In short, just PRAY! And remember, God is bigger than the bogie man!