So that is where I am at right now, dear blog. You see, I believe the time has come to end our relationship. I started you wanting to give you my heart and have someone come along and find my heart and hopefully treasure it. But you see, now I have readers (or did have) and I can’t help but feel a responsibility to those readers. To be an encouragement, give them some weighty thought to think about, or inspire them to do something great. I do not have any of that, though. Right now, all I have is me. Even the version of “me” that I am currently dealing with seems to need quite an upgrade.

So, I have come to the end of my blog. I have loved blogging (usually) even if my blog is rather dreary. However, it is time that I come to the end of my deary ramblings.

I realize that I am really down right now. It is like my digestive system is really weak and so I have to be on an extremely limited diet in order to get better. So, my “interaction” diet is being rather limited right now. Besides that fact, my blog is several years old and the domain name is “melanieheather”. I am not Melanie Heather any more and it is time I move on with my life.

So goodbye, dear blog. I shall always look on with fondness the time spent writing.

Maybe the problem is not the question. Instead, there could be a larger societal problem in accepting negative emotions without fixing them. What would happen if we became totally okay with knowing others feelings? What if I could just answer the question with, “Crappy, how are you?”? What if I could just state that and go on with the business at hand? No need to listen to the explanation of why just accept the honest truth that, no, I am not having the best day.

Many objections to my proposed changes could be raised, and maybe it is just as well to keep the status quo. I guess I just want to be able to tell the truth and move on with my day. I hate hiding my feelings.

I guess, really, an update is a free pass for me to kind of just ramble on. I’m struggling with this blog to be honest. I don’t feel free to blog the way I used to. I loved being able to sort it all out here. But now, I keep feeling like I have to sort it all out and then report it here. In other words, it is not therapeutic anymore, it is more of a chore. I still need a place to express my heart, though. I’m very seriously considering photo journaling because I am a visual person and I would love to be able to “show” my heart and my thoughts.

Anyways, at the same time, I really feel a responsibility to use my Communications degree. I want to develop my writing skills. So in some ways, blogging would fit that bill. Maybe I need to make it a periodic chore in order to enhance my skills? I am unsure.

I am unsure about a lot of things. Topics that have crossed my mind but have yet to be completely addressed are marriage, being faithful in the small things, the beauty of waste, marriage, parenting and childhood development, marriage, responsibilities, modesty (this one will probably have an actual practical effect on my everyday life), marriage, identity, mothering, delayed gratification, marriage, discretion and finally marriage.

Hum…I see one topic more than once! Yes, I am thinking about marriage quite seriously. I have questions that may or may not need answers. I have questions that definitely do need answers. I wonder about the practicalities of marriage and the specifics of my marriage. A lot of this probably stems from my best friend’s recent marriage and my upcoming anniversary.

I’d like to think that I ponder things very deeply. However, I might just be thinking too highly of myself. *sigh*

Anyways, in the next month or two I am going to make it a point to decide what I am going to do with this blog. I am seriously considering leaving it altogether. The whole theme does not seem to fit with my season of life right now. I do not think that I will quit blogging; rather, I see myself starting off on a different sort of blog, either my aforementioned photo journal, or some other blog that gives me a fresh start. Personally, my gut says it is time to say goodbye. After all, it has been two years since I have been Melanie Heather (part of the domain name). The seasons of my life has changed and I think it is time to wear the appropriate clothes.

If I would end this blog, I would cry, I think. This blog has been my safe platform from which I could pour my heart out. It was a haven for me. I realize that it really is not a haven anymore, yet I hate to leave my pleasant memories. Dare I venture away from somewhere I felt so safe? Dare I stay where I am no longer safe?

Before long I shall decide.

But, when we see negative aspects of someone’s life, we insist on letting people know exactly what we think. Or at least, I’ve done that in the past. Rarely have I missed letting someone know about their mistakes.

The irony of it is, they probably keenly feel their mistakes and underestimate their good qualities, attributes and contributions. I get it backwards. Instead of assuming that they know the good things, I am going to start announcing those good things. I’m going to declare those good things in people’s lives.

Clothes are meant to be worn, are they not? I would rather have a closet half full of things I love than to have a closet stuffed with a mixture of things I love and things I regret buying.

That can be a problem though because it limits my ability to mix and match. It leaves me the convenience of being lazy. No longer do I have to put time and energy into dressing nicely; instead I just remain with the usual and go on my merry way.

I do not understand the value of spending time putting together outfits just to look nice. I don’t enjoy the clothes once I have had to put a certain amount of work into them.

I realize that the time has come that I commit to trying what does not come naturally for me. The time has come that I shop without trying things on so that I can learn the art of wearing clothes. I know the art of shopping but I do not know the art of wearing.

I am reading Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism and I know that will definitely help me as I learn and think about marriage. I want to get a handle on what my role in God’s kingdom is as a woman, and then I want to get a handle on what marriage is supposed to be all about.

I have a little clue about the purpose of marriage and I believe that it really is not because people love each other. I mean if you only get married because you love someone then why can’t anyone get married?

Tonight, I finished up writing in a “journal” of sorts in my Ipod. I was writing a very strong paragraph about who I am in Christ and even though that paragraph contained very strong affirmations of who God says I am, I am reluctant to show it to anyone at all.

My reluctance is not because any of it is wrong, but it is because I am afraid of what people will think. Maybe they will think nothing of it now, but when I’m hurting and disillusioned then maybe they will look back on what I just wrote and they will assume I’ll figure that out again. Maybe they will assume I was wrong in the first place. Or maybe as they read it, they will think of improvements that could be made. Maybe they will say my portrayal of who I am in Christ is not completely accurate. “Where is this part in Scripture?” They might ask?

So for now, my faith is my own. Its so personal and so private. Not that I do not want to share my faith, but because I want to grow stronger in my faith. I want to have confidence in who my Savior is so that I can believe HIM and not “them”. So I can run to His Words that never fail when I read into their silence. I’m training myself to listen to His voice so that when the thief comes, I know to listen for the Shepherd.

Lord, I’m listening for Your voice. I need only Your Words. I want only Your Words until I know that I am trusting You completely. Keep my eyes turned and locked on You. May I be lost in the seconds that pass as I kneel at Your Feet before You say to me “Go, and sin no more.” Lord, meet the desperate needs of my heart for You know those needs better than I myself.
Love,
Your Beloved Daughter,
Melanie 

They are lies we want to believe because they make us feel better. Sometimes they make us believe that if sometime things were not okay, that our friends would be there to help us through it.
But when it comes down to it, we each have our own lives that keep us busy enough. We each have too much crap to deal with to actually help anyone else.

There are few moments of truth in this life, but there is one moment of truth that none of us can escape. Death. Death reveals everything. Death shows where someone’s priorities were. Death shows us where our hearts were while we were alive.

It is too bad we cannot figure out all that stuff while we are alive.

I’m even more overwhelmed because I know that so often I focus on outcomes, on results, on progress. I have probably missed a chance to be an anonymous encourager because I was afraid of either no response or a negative response.

Thank you, Anonymous people, for being a reminder that sometimes we can’t see eternal consequences. Sometimes, we have to travel to a dead end. Not because it gets us anywhere, but maybe because it leads someone away from that dead end.

Thank you, anonymous people, for being a part of my life. You were more a part than you will ever know.

The first lie I believed today was that “I am not good enough today.” I’m not good enough to be recognized, to be loved, to be wanted. The second lie goes hand in hand; the second lie is that “someday, I will be good enough.” Someday I can earn recognition, love and desire. Someday, because of what I do people will notice me, and love me and even want to be around me. Someday. I just have to keep working until I reach that someday.

As you can see, these lies go together so well. They are appealing even. They accept imperfection for a temporary amount of time, but they also promise perfection in the future. The lies fit into two equations. First, me=not good; second, me+work&time=perfect. Those equations leave Someone out. Those equations leave out God.

You see, God’s Word says that “They are all gone out of the way, they are together become unprofitable; there is none that doeth good, no, not one.” (Romans 3:12) “For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). Satan always twists God’s Truth. Yes, I am no good in and of myself. I am utterly depraved.

But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;) And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus: That in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus. For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: (Ephesians 2:4-8)

You see, God said, “No, Melanie, you aren’t good enough for me or for heaven. But I have mercy and I sent my Son. I did not send Him into the world to condemn the world (John 3:17) but I sent Him to give you life and life more abundantly (John 10:10).” As a little three year old, I remember chanting with my fellow Cubbies “God loved us and sent His Son 1 John 4:10″ (I also remember having alternating crushes depending on which guy cubbie said his verse the loudest, but that is besides the point! Course, at least even then I had somewhat decent standards! )

In later AWANA years, I would come to learn all of 1 John 4:10 which states “Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.” The word, propitiation, comes from the verb propitiate which means to appease. God sent a sacrifice in my place. A sacrifice that satisfied His requirements.

If I had to pick one verse to pit against my first lie, then I would pick 1 Corinthians 5:21 “For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.”

Now, on to the second lie (Someday I will be good enough). This second lie does not have truth in it. I can’t make myself better. I can never earn my salvation. I cannot earn anyone’s love for me.

The verses that smash the second lie are Ephesians 2:8-9 “For by grace are we saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.” There is nothing I can do, now or in the future. NOT OF WORKS!!! And why not of works? “Lest any man should boast.”

This second lie comes from my desire to be my own god. I really do not want to need God. I’m happy to need Him today, but I do not like needing Him for the rest of my life. I am not trying to be disrespectful or irreverent; I am just trying to be honest. But, in Exodus 20:5 God said “Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;” God is talking about idols. God does not want us to have any idols/other gods before us; this includes ourselves. What God does want is all the glory, because HE DESERVES IT!

So, as I wrap up tonight, I rest in His grace that He gave. He didn’t come into this world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. Praise Him I am saved! I am saved today and for the rest of eternity!