There is no good end to a good thing…

There is no good end to a good thing. There just isn’t. There are definitely no good ends to any good relationship.

So that is where I am at right now, dear blog. You see, I believe the time has come to end our relationship. I started you wanting to give you my heart and have someone come along and find my heart and hopefully treasure it. But you see, now I have readers (or did have) and I can’t help but feel a responsibility to those readers. To be an encouragement, give them some weighty thought to think about, or inspire them to do something great. I do not have any of that, though. Right now, all I have is me. Even the version of “me” that I am currently dealing with seems to need quite an upgrade.

So, I have come to the end of my blog. I have loved blogging (usually) even if my blog is rather dreary. However, it is time that I come to the end of my deary ramblings.

I realize that I am really down right now. It is like my digestive system is really weak and so I have to be on an extremely limited diet in order to get better. So, my “interaction” diet is being rather limited right now. Besides that fact, my blog is several years old and the domain name is “melanieheather”. I am not Melanie Heather any more and it is time I move on with my life.

So goodbye, dear blog. I shall always look on with fondness the time spent writing.

Crappy, How Are You?

Sometimes, I hate the question “How are you?”. I know it has become more of a greeting than a question, but I hate the inevitable lie for an answer that follows. Do people really mean “fine” or “good” when they say it? Maybe half the time they are telling the truth, but I highly doubt they are telling the truth the other half of the time. I know I lie at least half the time I answer it.

Maybe the problem is not the question. Instead, there could be a larger societal problem in accepting negative emotions without fixing them. What would happen if we became totally okay with knowing others feelings? What if I could just answer the question with, “Crappy, how are you?”? What if I could just state that and go on with the business at hand? No need to listen to the explanation of why just accept the honest truth that, no, I am not having the best day.

Many objections to my proposed changes could be raised, and maybe it is just as well to keep the status quo. I guess I just want to be able to tell the truth and move on with my day. I hate hiding my feelings.

An Update

Just an update.

I guess, really, an update is a free pass for me to kind of just ramble on. I’m struggling with this blog to be honest. I don’t feel free to blog the way I used to. I loved being able to sort it all out here. But now, I keep feeling like I have to sort it all out and then report it here. In other words, it is not therapeutic anymore, it is more of a chore. I still need a place to express my heart, though. I’m very seriously considering photo journaling because I am a visual person and I would love to be able to “show” my heart and my thoughts.

Anyways, at the same time, I really feel a responsibility to use my Communications degree. I want to develop my writing skills. So in some ways, blogging would fit that bill. Maybe I need to make it a periodic chore in order to enhance my skills? I am unsure.

I am unsure about a lot of things. Topics that have crossed my mind but have yet to be completely addressed are marriage, being faithful in the small things, the beauty of waste, marriage, parenting and childhood development, marriage, responsibilities, modesty (this one will probably have an actual practical effect on my everyday life), marriage, identity, mothering, delayed gratification, marriage, discretion and finally marriage.

Hum…I see one topic more than once! Yes, I am thinking about marriage quite seriously. I have questions that may or may not need answers. I have questions that definitely do need answers. I wonder about the practicalities of marriage and the specifics of my marriage. A lot of this probably stems from my best friend’s recent marriage and my upcoming anniversary.

I’d like to think that I ponder things very deeply. However, I might just be thinking too highly of myself. *sigh*

Anyways, in the next month or two I am going to make it a point to decide what I am going to do with this blog. I am seriously considering leaving it altogether. The whole theme does not seem to fit with my season of life right now. I do not think that I will quit blogging; rather, I see myself starting off on a different sort of blog, either my aforementioned photo journal, or some other blog that gives me a fresh start. Personally, my gut says it is time to say goodbye. After all, it has been two years since I have been Melanie Heather (part of the domain name). The seasons of my life has changed and I think it is time to wear the appropriate clothes.

If I would end this blog, I would cry, I think. This blog has been my safe platform from which I could pour my heart out. It was a haven for me. I realize that it really is not a haven anymore, yet I hate to leave my pleasant memories. Dare I venture away from somewhere I felt so safe? Dare I stay where I am no longer safe?

Before long I shall decide.

 

Announcing Good Things

How often, we look at someone else and we think, “Wow! She is beautiful!”, “Wow! She is smart!”, “Wow! She is this or She is that!” and we almost just as often, assume that she knows what we are thinking. We assume she knows of her beauty, is confident in her knowledge or wisdom and knows all the other great things about herself. So, we go on our merry way without saying a word. Sometimes, we even think to ourselves: “I wish I was that [fill in the blank].”

But, when we see negative aspects of someone’s life, we insist on letting people know exactly what we think. Or at least, I’ve done that in the past. Rarely have I missed letting someone know about their mistakes.

The irony of it is, they probably keenly feel their mistakes and underestimate their good qualities, attributes and contributions. I get it backwards. Instead of assuming that they know the good things, I am going to start announcing those good things. I’m going to declare those good things in people’s lives.

Buying clothes

When I buy clothes, I tend to be very selective. I crave only what is just right for me and what makes me look and feel good. If it is a little too tight, too loose, too short or too long I am more than willing to leave it on it’s hanger in the store. I guess I just have high standards.

Clothes are meant to be worn, are they not? I would rather have a closet half full of things I love than to have a closet stuffed with a mixture of things I love and things I regret buying.

That can be a problem though because it limits my ability to mix and match. It leaves me the convenience of being lazy. No longer do I have to put time and energy into dressing nicely; instead I just remain with the usual and go on my merry way.

I do not understand the value of spending time putting together outfits just to look nice. I don’t enjoy the clothes once I have had to put a certain amount of work into them.

I realize that the time has come that I commit to trying what does not come naturally for me. The time has come that I shop without trying things on so that I can learn the art of wearing clothes. I know the art of shopping but I do not know the art of wearing.

Marriage

Marriage has been on my mind a lot because of it being July. For to me July is when all the cool people get married for example my awesome husband and I! But anyways, I keep thinking about the purposes of marriage.

I am reading Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism and I know that will definitely help me as I learn and think about marriage. I want to get a handle on what my role in God’s kingdom is as a woman, and then I want to get a handle on what marriage is supposed to be all about.

I have a little clue about the purpose of marriage and I believe that it really is not because people love each other. I mean if you only get married because you love someone then why can’t anyone get married?

Realizations

I used to get frustrated with the fact that people that I knew who were Christians were not openly and willingly discussing their faith and their walk with God. I wondered, “How can they not talk about it?” and I concluded that “They must not be where they need to be or they would talk about it.”. I look back on my conclusion and I realize that is just one of many reasons. What if instead, they did not speak because they were afraid that other Christians would not affirm them? What if they had experienced silence or condemnation when they had spoken before?

Tonight, I finished up writing in a “journal” of sorts in my Ipod. I was writing a very strong paragraph about who I am in Christ and even though that paragraph contained very strong affirmations of who God says I am, I am reluctant to show it to anyone at all.

My reluctance is not because any of it is wrong, but it is because I am afraid of what people will think. Maybe they will think nothing of it now, but when I’m hurting and disillusioned then maybe they will look back on what I just wrote and they will assume I’ll figure that out again. Maybe they will assume I was wrong in the first place. Or maybe as they read it, they will think of improvements that could be made. Maybe they will say my portrayal of who I am in Christ is not completely accurate. “Where is this part in Scripture?” They might ask?

So for now, my faith is my own. Its so personal and so private. Not that I do not want to share my faith, but because I want to grow stronger in my faith. I want to have confidence in who my Savior is so that I can believe HIM and not “them”. So I can run to His Words that never fail when I read into their silence. I’m training myself to listen to His voice so that when the thief comes, I know to listen for the Shepherd.

Lord, I’m listening for Your voice. I need only Your Words. I want only Your Words until I know that I am trusting You completely. Keep my eyes turned and locked on You. May I be lost in the seconds that pass as I kneel at Your Feet before You say to me “Go, and sin no more.” Lord, meet the desperate needs of my heart for You know those needs better than I myself.
Love,
Your Beloved Daughter,
Melanie